My Personal Testimony

By Jay Memoria

Religious Background

I grew up in a predominantly Roman Catholic country, attending Catholic schools where I learned about salvation. From a young age, I was led to believe that salvation was attainable through personal merit aided by divine grace. A significant moment in my religious upbringing was a retreat during high school, where a priest guided us through a moving meditation on Christ's sufferings. We were taught that Christ endured these sufferings because of our sins, not as a propitiation but as a motivation, instilling in us a sense of responsibility to refrain from sinning. This teaching motivated us to strive for holiness because it is through this grace that we can progress toward righteousness and justification.

This viewpoint reflects Rome’s doctrine of justification as a personal transformation rather than imputation. For Rome, justification is a process of becoming more righteous which then serves as the ground of one's acceptance before God. For years, I adhered to this doctrine, striving to serve as an acolyte in a prestigious local parish, helping the poor and avoiding mortal sins that could sever me from the state of grace. All these efforts were aimed at earning acceptance before God. However, this mindset led to pridefulness. I recall feeling superior to classmates who indulged in immoral behaviours, believing myself to be holy and convinced that God only favoured those who were righteous.


Crisis of Faith


My entire worldview was profoundly shaken during a crisis of faith. My doubts about God's existence began in college, triggered by the overwhelming suffering I witnessed, particularly in public hospitals. The scenes of agony and death shook my convictions. I struggled to reconcile the harsh reality of suffering with the biblical portrayal of a loving and all-powerful God. Either God was loving but lacked the power to intervene, or He was powerful but lacked love. However, the God portrayed in the Bible possesses both attributes, causing me to question His existence entirely. I came close to embracing atheism, yet what held me back was the unsettling notion of annihilation. The idea of ceasing to exist upon death was deeply troubling for me because if there was no Creator and life was merely a result of a cosmic accident, then our existence seems utterly futile.

Though unaware, I became an agnostic, unsure of whether God exists. This uncertainty is deeply terrifying because it pertains to matters of life and death, heaven and hell. The prospect of death frightens me because if God does exist, I fear facing judgment without certainty of whether heaven or hell awaits. Conversely, if there is no God, then I have wasted my life pursuing a non-existent deity when I should be living my best life now because all I have is this life. However, since I am uncertain about the truth, I strive to remain a devout Roman Catholic while also trying to live the best of this life.
One day, I decided to read the Bible. I know it was inspired, which I thought at that time meant it inspires us. I opened it randomly to Ecclesiastes, hoping it would “inspire” my faith in God. However, as I read through about half of it, I became so depressed. The author's words seemed to echo my own struggle about the meaning of life if God did not exist; "Everything is meaningless" strikes deeply within me, leaving me disheartened.

Though dismayed, I turned to the story of Moses in Exodus, seeking inspiration. The narrative was indeed inspiring until I reached chapter 20 and encountered the Ten Commandments. It was then that I saw my own sinfulness reflected in the mirror of God's law, particularly the fifth commandment regarding honouring one's parents. Despite my religious zeal, I realized my rebellious attitude toward my parents.

Discovering My Sinfulness


Driven by a desire for justification within the framework of Roman Catholicism, I resolved to memorize and abide by the Ten Commandments diligently, hoping to accumulate merits. However, this plan was disrupted when I discovered the vast array of commandments, totalling 613 in the Old Testament alone. Moreover, the New Testament introduced even more demanding ones, leaving me with a daunting question: "How much obedience does God require for my salvation?" It was a revelation for me when I understood that God does not grade on a curve; He demands perfection.[1]

It also exposed the flaws of Rome’s gospel. Once, as I prayed to the saints and gazed upon their statues, a commandment I had read in Exodus came to mind [2], which made me question the legitimacy of my religious practice. So, I prayed, “My dear saints, I’m uncertain about the correctness of my actions now. So please forgive me, I will cease this practice and seek the truth. Perhaps I’ll return to pray to you again.” That’s the last time I ever prayed to the saints.

Discovering Justification by Faith Alone

Seeking truth can be challenging, especially in a country with numerous religious cults.[3] But in God’s providence, I stumbled upon an old debate on the John Ankerberg Show featuring Walter Martin and Father Mitch Pacwa.[4] This debate introduced me to the reformed doctrine of Sola Fide.[5] The books of Romans and Galatians were enlightening, showing that salvation is by grace through faith in Christ alone. While I understand the argument intellectually, it has yet to resonate in my heart.

It was in the Youth Camp that it became a precious truth to me. On the final evening sermon, while I can't recall the sermon's details, one phrase remains etched in my memory and changed my life: “The love of God and the justice of God met on the cross, bearing all of our sins.” That statement opened my heart to the wonders of the gospel, bringing clarity to what I was learning about justification. I realized that the death of Christ was far more than just a motivation; it is propitiation! At the cross, Christ stood in my place and bore the full measure of God's wrath, drinking it to the last drop. Because of this, the cup of wrath is now empty for me.[6] Moreover, Christ's righteousness was imputed to me—a righteousness Luther referred to as an "alien righteousness," one entirely outside of myself and bestowed upon me through faith. This is the only hope I have for my acceptance before the Supreme Court of Heaven.

In Walter's debate, I learned about the only instrument of justification, but it was in that sermon that I discovered how Christ accomplished that justification. That night, it felt as if I had a similar experience to what Paul describes in his conversion: "But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith." [7]

The day after hearing that sermon, when the opportunity for Baptism was presented, I didn't hesitate. I immediately approached the pastor and signed up. Since that moment, my deepest desire has been to intimately know and love Christ—though not perfectly, but with the same purpose as Paul describes: "That I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead."[8]


[1] See James 2:8-10
[2] See Exodus 20:4–5
[3] Some even originated from the Philippines. E.g. Iglesia ni Kristo (Church of Christ), Ang Dating Daan (Old Path).
[4] See link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bhvGDiZG5M&t=1441s
[5] Justification by faith alone
[6] See chapter 5, “The Empty Cup” of The Gospel for Real Life by Jerry Bridges
[7] See Philippians 3:7–9
[8] See Philippians 3:10–14

Comments

Popular Posts